I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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