I'm lost and stupid without you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
