my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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