I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
