my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
