Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
