Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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