i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
