Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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