My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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