yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
