Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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