just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
