You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
