Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
