last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We are two peas in an std pod
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
