i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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