Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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