Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
