so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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