i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
