You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
how does that bad decision feel?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
