remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
