Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
