Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
