He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
