like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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