I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
