I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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