can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
