i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just gargled with NyQuil
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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