and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
