I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
