Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
