I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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