dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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