I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize