eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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