please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
