btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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