Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
