She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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