Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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