awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
