it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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