You're so nebulous sometimes
I just threw up on my dentist
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
