saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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