I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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