Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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