moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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