Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
