I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
