he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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