I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
FUCK WHALES
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
