is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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