my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
