so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
