Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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