i jhust puked up my retainher.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
