somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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