got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
