I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
