Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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