dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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