Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
