Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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