I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
