He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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